Being the Change

By Caprice D. Hollins, Psy D and Ilsa Govan

 

A question we regularly grapple with at Cultures Connecting is what does it mean to live out our values and practice cultural competence? On a daily basis we come face to face with our own socialization around race, gender, class, religion, and multiple other factors that make up our identities. We also work within systems that privilege some at the expense of others. This shows up in our relationship with each other.

It is painful when we realize we've been behaving in ways that contribute to the problems we are working to change, especially when the people who we’ve offended or those who offend us are those we care about the most. This makes it all the more challenging to engage in a conversation, for fear of harming the relationship in some way. 

We know that attacking creates enemies and avoiding the conversation leads to inauthentic relationships where eventually two people who once cared about one another grow apart. To nurture our relationship, we sometimes find ourselves having to engage in courageous conversations in spite of our fears, knowing the risk is much greater when we don’t. Here are some things that we try to keep in mind that you may find helpful.

When bringing up a concern to the other, we do our best to…

1. Take time to critically reflect before bringing up the concern so that you are able to own your part in why you see and experience it the way you do and how you may have contributed to the problem.
2. Wonder why the person said or did what they did. What do you know to be true about them that would lead them to behave in that way? Is it cultural? Is it socialization? Is it intentional? Are they aware?
3. Talk to others who you know won’t automatically agree with you, who won’t villainize the other person and who will give you open and honest feedback that will help you figure out how to best approach the situation.
4. Stumble through telling the other person what you felt or experienced in a loving and caring way that shows concern for their well-being, in spite of whatever issue you may have with them in the moment. In other words, this is not all of who they are, just a part of what they are bringing into the relationship at this time in your journey together.

When the other brings a concern to our attention, we do our best to…

1. Suspend our intentions and focus on the impact of our words, behaviors or actions that caused them hurt or harm.
2. Refrain from responding impulsively or out of defensiveness or anger and when necessary, take time to think about what they are telling you so that you have time to reflect on what is truth and where you see it differently.
3. Own what you have said or done that you agree needs to change in you and make an honest effort to do so.
4. Thank the other for taking the risk to tell you.  Acknowledge that you know it wasn’t easy for them to tell you just like it wasn’t easy for you to hear.

Regardless of whether we are sharing a concern or hearing a concern, there will be times when it is not handled well by one or both of us. In these cases, one of us will try to circle back around and readdress the issue in a way that shows we have taken the time to think about how we showed up in the conversation. The second time around we usually do a much better job leading to an outcome that honors the dignity and humanity of both of us.

This process is sometimes a messy and painful challenge that we would both prefer to avoid. However, having courageous conversations helps us stay true to our core values. It demonstrates to the other person that we are committed to continuously investing in the relationship more than we are invested in our fears or holding on to our feelings of righteousness.

We practice this regularly with each other, and it is part of what keeps Cultures Connecting vibrant.

I'm Not the Bad One

"I was totally disgusted by those racist images. I would never laugh at them!"
"I never would have thought of Native Americans being alcoholic. Based on my experience, that's not what I think of...."
"I've never heard that slur for Mexicans. I'd be interested in researching where that comes from."

These are all approximations of quotes I've heard many times in workshops and conferences in the past three months. They are always said by people who are not members of the group being stereotyped. Usually there is strong emotion behind the statement, even a sense of righteousness, as it is proclaimed in front of a large group.

I've been wondering about the times I feel compelled to make that type of statement. How does that serve me and how does it serve the interest of social justice? Here are a few ideas I came up with.

What is the purpose of saying something like this?

1. It makes me feel better about myself. If I honestly haven't been exposed to stereotypes, that probably makes me a better person. The kind who can love and respect people without noticing our differences.
2. It lets other people know I'm a good person. Or at least not as bad as some of those other really bad racists.
3. It lets me off the hook for taking action. If I don't believe it myself, or don't think it is that big of a deal, I don't need to do anything to make change.

What is the possible impact of saying something like this?

1. It subtly negates the reality of people who experience the stereotype. If so many people don't believe those stereotypes, then there must be something wrong with the person who says they are treated according to those stereotypes. This could even imply some kind of mental illness or "victim mentality". That group must be seeing and feeling things that aren't really there. This actually amplifies the effect of the stereotype, rather than lessening it.
2. It reinforces the idea of exceptionalism among allies. Strong social justice movements are not built by people who see themselves as superior to the people and systems they are trying to change.
3. It does nothing to address the pervasiveness of the stereotype, much less the self-reinforcing nature of institutional racism that feeds on these stereotypes. Great, one person or even this group of people, doesn't believe the stereotype! That message is still out there in the media, in schools, in laws and policies....

After considering the possible impacts, it seems fairly clear these proclamations serve the person saying them rather than the people being stereotyped or the cause of justice. When you find yourself wanting to make an "I'm not the bad one" statement in the future, trying pausing and instead speaking to how stereotypes reinforce systemic racism and what you're committed to doing to change that.

Cultures Connecting Foundational Beliefs

In December 2013, I had the opportunity to attend the Social Justice Training Institute. This week-long intensive was, well, intense. In addition to all of the personal growth, I also gained a number of ideas from the talented facilitators. Early on in the week, they shared their foundational beliefs in writing and asked us to review them, discuss questions, and identify what resonated and what did not with our own perspective on social justice work. I realized Caprice and I had never articulated in writing our foundations of Cultures Connecting.

So, before our last workshop, we drafted this list. Luckily, we noted again that we are coming from fundamentally the same perspective. Kind of a good thing for business partners!

Our Foundations

     We believe…

    Oppression is taught and can be unlearned.

    It is not our fault, but it is our responsibility.

    People learn best when they believe they have more to learn.

    Increasing awareness of oneself is a strategy for change.

    Listening is a form of action.

    Most people are well-intentioned, even while they are unaware of how they are hurting others. Impact and outcomes matter more than intention.

    Experiencing discomfort is important to learning.

    Hurt people hurt people.

    Strong relationships are the foundation of cultural competence.

    Hurting, shaming and blaming are not effective tools for opening and changing minds.

    Building relationships across difference is not necessarily the same as confronting systems of oppression.

    Challenging racism and white privilege is everyone’s work.

    Although People of Color may bring a personal understanding of racism, this does not mean they fully understand they dynamics of racism, power and privilege. Although White people may have knowledge of institutional racism and privilege, this does not mean they understand personal experiences of racism.

    It takes sustained effort to change systems. We will not naturally evolve toward greater equity.

    There are no quick fixes or cookbook approaches.

    Change is possible. There is hope.

Please share which of these resonate with you and which you don't agree with. What is your experience that led you to that perspective?